It’s Demilitia: Season Three
Follow everyone’s favorite underground New York death metal band as they laugh, cry, learn, love, and make music that sounds like your left hand being smashed into a bony vein-paste by a rusty set of pliers.
Episode 1: Dementors of the Faith (#4D31) Burley falls for an unspeakably fine supermodel he meets at a party, only to discover she hates death metal. This forces him to lead a double life as both Burley, guitarist of Demilitia, and Owen B., Polo shirt-wearing investment banker and charity organizer. Meanwhile, Ralph and JennCity need try to break Billy of his sleepwalking habits while getting some shut-eye themselves.
Episode 2: Are You There, God? It’s Me, Demilitia )#4D32) Billy has questions about his maturing body that only Ralph can answer, but he’s too scared to ask, and their relationship becomes strained. Meanwhile, Burley tries to think of a nice way to tell JennCity that he doesn’t like her Peruvian Paella. Jason goes on a date with a woman he meets on his CB radio. (First appearance of Mincemeat The Clown).
Episode 3: Samhain A Log (#4D33) Halloween Special. The band is gearing up for the big Halloween show, but Ralph is always late to practice. When the band looks into his tardiness, they discover that Ralph has been raising a ten-foot-long spider by feeding it the corpses of Death Row inmates. Everything goes smoothly until the show, when Mr. Mandible gets loose and the band have to stop him from devouring the audience. Meanwhile, Billy and Burley both want to be Sexy Moe The Bartender for Halloween.
Episode 4: Our Dirty, Filthy, Repulsive Little Secret (#4D34) The band wakes up after a long night of partying to find a sexually-violated blow-up Courtney Love doll hung by the neck in the living room, a note attached to its chest reading ‘NO MORE.’ Accusations fly, until a false eyelash in found in a glass of farted-in beer leads Demilitia to a tale of international espionage and bone-shaking erotic suspense that they wish they’d left well enough alone. Stephen Fry guest stars as Firm Touches.
Cue theme song.
Episode 5: The Long Road To Lit Lounge (#4D35) Burley and Billy take a day trip to Coney Island and get mugged for their wallets, phones, and Metrocards. They then must undertake a many-mile trek through the dark heart of Brooklyn to make it to the show at Lit Lounge. The rest of the band, not knowing where their guitarists have gotten to, begin asking other local New York acts to spare their axmen to mixed results. Guest starring Mutant Supremacy, Pyrrhon, Ollipiest, Eyes of the Sun, Mutilation Rites, and Toto.
Episode 6: Body of Heaviness (#4D36) A huge article gets written about the band in a major metal magazine, but the majority of it focuses on JennCity being a sexy lady bassist. Feeling left out, the rest of the band take on plastic surgery, unorthodox piercing, and acts of vandalism in an attempt to make Demilitia a sexier band and obtain the upper-crust lifestyle of the mainstream death metal musician. Meanwhile, Ralph gets gum stuck in his hair and Jason has to get it out.
Episode 7: Number One Fan (And His Jars of Number Two) (#4D37) The band has to cancel practice when blood begins dripping through their ceiling. When they break into the apartment upstairs, they find their neighbor Mr. Cosmodopolous dead in his armchair. What’s more disturbing is the stalker-level information he’s been keeping on Demilitia’s members. The band must come to terms with their biggest fan being their creepiest while looking over documentation of the past three years. (First appearance of Mr. Cosmodopolous).
Episode 8: Screaming For Vengeance (#4D38) When asked what band he’d like to tour with on national television, Rob Halford of Judas Priest lists Demilitia as one of the great underground metal bands of our time. The band begins making plans for their upcoming tour with Priest and spending their savings, only to discover that Halford only said the name because he blanked on any modern bands and saw a Demilitia shirt in the crowd. Now, the band must either grovel at Judas Priest’s feet for a spot on the tour or play a competing local show to blow the metal gods out of town. Rob Halford and KK Downing star as themselves.
Episode 9: Census Fail (#4D39) Jason finds a cyst with a half-gallon of pus in it growing on the back of his calf, and Billy and Burley decide to try and treat it with various medical and homeopathic remedies, including several pulled from a dusty book entitled Be Your Own Doctor. Meanwhile, Ralph and JennCity have to pretend to be happily married in order to fool the census man and keep the band’s rehearsal space. Michael Caine stars as Menstrual Dan The Census Man.
Episode 10: Deck The Balls of My Pal Charlie (#4D40) Christmas Special. The band spends the Christmas holidays at JennCity’s luxurious Los Alamos estate, where they begin penning a Christmas album. Everything goes smoothly until the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future arrive, and the band is forced to battle them with the dark art of necromancy. During this, Billy and Burley each sell their guitars to buy the other one a watch chain and comb set respectively. Second appearance of Mincemeat the Clown, Billy Milano guest stars as Santa Claus.
Episode 11: Cooking with Demilitia (#4D41) JennCity and Burley enter a vegan cooking contest, and things get hairy when the other band members begin playing both sides of the gambit. By the time the competition itself rolls around, both Jenn and Owen are contemplating massive public executions, Jenn by poisoning her food and Owen by lighting his naked body ablaze and running screaming through the crowd with a can of gasoline in his hand. Mel Brooks guest stars as Burley’s Boner (voice-over).
Episode 12: The Day The Tumor Died pt. 1 (#4D42) Season Finale. Billy decides to write a concept album about a snowman with a dick who keeps trying, and failing, to have sex with the Human Torch. Jason suggests an ending, and Billy turns the album into a masterpiece, but takes all the credit. The band members take sides, and a broken bottleneck fight commences in which one member of the band is mortally wounded…but who?
